I can’t believe you went back. I believe in love and making things work, but not when it comes to abuse. I would never encourage someone to make up with someone who was abusive. When I look at him, all I remember are the stories you told me. It’s like you created a monster and now you want me to pet it. It’s like you want me to pretend that he who was once a devil is now a saint. Pushing you down the stairs, punching you in the eye, and almost choking you to death. That’s a lot. More than I could ever forget.
I know God is real, and I know people can change, but some people you have to love from a distance. Baby daddy or not. I can’t keep up with the madness anymore, but do you. Do the family thing. I know that’s why you are fighting so hard. If something happens this time, don’t call me. Someone else can do CPR on your heart. Wolves in sheep’s clothing are just people who pretend well enough to get what they want. He’s pretended very well in the past. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but I didn’t, and I never will. Continue reading
I was your wife for almost fifteen years. Together we raised our boys and built a life that I THOUGHT was a happy one. I loved you with everything I had. Without even realizing it, I gave up my friends, my career, and even some of my family. You controlled EVERYTHING in our marriage and made ALL the decisions. You insisted that I quit my job, yet whenever I wanted something I was always told that we didn’t need it or that it was a waste of money. Meanwhile, you were able to buy anything you pleased. You valued the opinions of everyone else over mine. I was NEVER your first priority. Hell, most of the time I wasn’t your second or even your third priority for that matter.
You controlled who I talked to and where I went. Weeks went by where I didn’t even leave the house. And I was okay with all of that because it made you happy. For fifteen years I stood by you no matter what. No problem was big enough to break us because we’d face and conquer that s**t together. I remained loyal to you to a fault. When your own friends hit on me OVER and OVER again, I shut that s**t down, fast and in a hurry. I let them know from the start that they had no chance with me. YOU were my husband, and no one else could EVER come close. Continue reading
Dear The Guy I Fell In “Love” With,
For the longest time I thought that I loved you as more than a friend. And I was right about that, but not in the way that I thought. I loved you as an older brother and you could never see that. I’ve been there for you so much. Yet, you decide to stay in that same spot thinking that I’m the one who is so horrible. You think that I’m the one who made the problems or the mistakes, but it wasn’t just me, it was both of us.
I’ve been there for you, even though I’ve hated you through the times that we weren’t friends, or when you made me cry for not the best reasons. I was there when you tried to take your own life. Twice. And I might’ve called 911 the second time, but that was only because I cared. You couldn’t see that. I told your mom too. I’m so sick and tired of you putting me in a spot that hurts. Putting me in a spot where I have to deal with life or death. Putting me in a spot where I have to make sure you stay alive because I will fight with absolutely everything I have even if I end up losing in the end. Continue reading
What’s Wrong My Dear Nupe?
Why do you hate me so much? You’ve suddenly become so unkind, unwelcoming, cold, and distant. Yet, you won’t grow balls big enough to tell me what’s wrong. We’ve been friends for a long time, and I cherish you and our friendship very much. I thought you felt the same way. After all, you’ve told me that you cherish me many times. But now your actions say otherwise.
You snapped on me a little the last couple of times we talked. You’ve never done this in the past. That’s how I know something is wrong. It seems like you’re angry at me for some reason, and I can’t figure out why. If you’re afraid to tell me because you don’t want to hurt my feelings, then wake up. Your current cold behaviors are more offensive, and they’re also very hurtful. I’m not as resilient as you may think, and I am crumbling. Continue reading
Thing is, I told you that I was afraid of the sex hurting. Truth is, I never was. What I was afraid of, was it all being a lie. What I was afraid of, was losing you again. What I was afraid of, was having to sleep while crying because you left. What I was afraid of, was you not caring about me anymore. What I was afraid of, was not getting to feel your lips against mine again. What I was afraid of, was not leaving my phone in hope of you remembering me. What I was afraid of, was you not calling me “mine,” “beautiful,” or “babe,” like you used to. What I was afraid of, was not getting to feel happiness any longer. What I was afraid of, was not feeling special. I was afraid of living the rest of my life in the land of memories. Although, most of all, I was afraid because I knew that the scar you would leave would never heal.
I have a terrible relationship with one of my siblings. I am the youngest. I have three older sisters and one brother. I have a great relationship with my brother and one of my sisters (1). Sister (2) and I have a decent relationship. There’s eleven months between us, so yeah, we get into fights, but we love each other. Sister (3) is eight years older than me, and she constantly bullied me throughout my childhood. Our relationship has been more than what would be considered as normal sibling scraps and bullying. She has continuously hit, kicked, pushed, and slapped me. This went on well into my teen years.
She’d abuse me for miniscule things that I mistakenly did. Like wearing a top that I thought belonged to sister 2. Mind you, sister 2 and I always shared clothing. She’d also abuse me if I took her dry clothes off the clothesline when I needed it, etc. She has also told me that I dress too slutty which is a complete lie. I’ve been uncomfortable with how I look since my pre-teen years all thanks to her. I always cover up due to her comments. Continue reading
I hate you. I hate that I’m pregnant with your child that you don’t even want me to have. I hate how you’ve taken over every little piece of my life where everything reminds me of you. I hate how you convinced me into almost having an abortion. I hate how I was still in love with you, only to show up at your house and see another girl there. I hate how I’m still in love with you. I hate how you made it look so easy to completely forget that you ever loved me. I hate that I think about not wanting to have this beautiful baby boy inside of me because I know that you’re not going to be there for him. I hate you.
But most of all, I hate me. I hate how I’ve given you so much control and power over my thoughts and my life. I hate how I even think about not having this baby. I hate how I doubt that I’ll be an amazing mother when the truth is the complete opposite. I hate that I still tell myself that you’ll come back to us when I know you won’t. Continue reading
You are a s**t mother. Five days before your daughter’s 16th birthday you got high and drunk. Like always, right? You then started physically abusing the girls. The neighbor kid recorded you doing this and then you started bearing on him too. What the f**k is wrong with you? You refuse to allow their biological father to be in their lives. You trash talk him so badly that his own kids hate him. Why? Because you’re afraid of losing your punching bags? You have those girls so brainwashed that they’re afraid of a better life.
Their father and I both came to your house while you were in jail. We tried to give those girls a better life. They spent three days with us. No fights. No arguments. Nothing! They wanted to come back home with us, until they spent one night with your parents. One night changed three full days of us showing the girls what it’s like to be loved, and how positive life can be. What life is like without abuse. Apparently we scared them because of your brainwashing. The only thing we would get out of having them here, is knowing that they were being properly taken care of, with health insurance, and in a proper bed, instead of sleeping in the garage on an air mattress. No help from the government, nothing like that. Continue reading
I honestly don’t know when my life first started falling apart. At a young age I was abused by my stepfather, and the neighborhood I lived in was a terrible environment. My father had been out of the picture all of my life, so it was left to my mother to fend for herself, her siblings, and me.
For the vast majority of my life I have battled with severe chronic depression. The death of my mother has only worsened it. My depression has forced me to the point where I am unable to express my emotions properly, and I have the inability to truly love someone as much as I want to. These issues have led to many failed relationships. These failed relationships have further worsened my depression. Continue reading
Maybe it didn’t matter. Maybe not to you, but to me it did. It mattered because the words stuck. It has been years, and they’re still there. I can still hear your voice in my head. I can hear it echo every time I look at the toilet, a razorblade, or a bridge. Do you not remember that day? The day you found out that my uncle had killed himself? Do you remember what you said? You said, “Too bad it wasn’t you.”
I remember that you saw the lines of scabs on my wrist. All of them were mostly hidden by bracelets and long-sleeved shirts. You smiled, looked at me, and shook your head. My friends forced me to eat that day at lunch. I excused myself to the school restroom minutes after eating. I was on my knees, and my hands were wrapped around the toilet bowl as the food in my stomach was purged into the disgusting toilet. I remember you coming up from the other stall and saying, “Like that will help!” Continue reading