But Most Of All, I Hate Myself

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I hate you.  I hate my job.  I hate that I have allowed my life to wind up the way it is.  I hate the fact that I have this wall up that I can’t seem to knock down because of all the s*** m*********** put me through all my damn life.

K- I hate the fact I knew from the start that I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you.  I knew from the start that if it started off sexually, there was no possible way we could be all “buddy-buddy” type friends afterwards, but you tried to.  I wound up falling in love with you and I later regretted it.  I still miss you sometimes though.  Only on a rare late Saturday night when I think about how you use to call and make me laugh when your ass was drunk as f***.  Everyone saw a future we never saw.  I still don’t get that. 

I hate every guy I’ve been with.  I still sometimes think my best friend is the only guy who’ll ever truly love me and accept me for who I am no matter what s*** I tell him that I do or have done.  I hate the fact you’re with her.  Why her?  I sit there and am the best damn friend.  I listen to your problems and give unbiased advice when all I really want to do is tell you to leave that b****, come back up here, and stay with me.

I hate you C!!!! You’re so full of s***!  You think you’re so damn fine and top of the line and s***.  So f****** what you’re only 22, have a car, a house, a good job, etc.  There are millions of f****** guys in the world who look good and have some s***!  I wish that b**** would leave the picture and you could be mine 100%.  I don’t like sharing.  I hate the fact that I let myself get attached to you. Now it’s as if I can’t leave you. Nor do I even want to.  I hate your ass, but still miss you when we’re apart, stupidly.

D- I hate you….a lot.  I hate the fact we met and we had this connection.  I hate the fact that you’ve contradicted yourself and made me doubt you.  I hate the fact that I always run into you, especially when you’re off my mind.  I run into you, and then you’re right back on it.  I hate that you’re married, yet going through a divorce, and all this s*** is going on with you.  I hate the fact that you stay on my mind.  I hate the fact that you make me laugh and smile even when you’re not physically around me.  I hate the fact that I even know you.  I hate the thoughts I have about you.  I hate that you told me that if s*** doesn’t work out, you most definitely want to try and see where things lead with us.  I don’t want to f*** you, but I’m not one for tempting situations that will cause me regrets later, so now I try to stay away from you.

I’m mad as hell that I’ve been hurt and allowed myself to be so naïve and stupid and believe the lines guys tell females!  But most of all, I hate myself.  People make me so angry sometimes and I cannot understand why people do some of the things that they do.  I mean seriously, when you say some of these things out loud, don’t they sound just as stupid to you as it sounds when you’re telling me?  Sometimes I hate that I’m a good listener because I just don’t want to f****** hear it sometimes.  Hell, I have my own damn problems and I don’t call anybody everyday just to blab their damn ear off about it because they’re still MY problems.  Unless you can do something about it, what’s the point of holding the damn phone or trying to explain it to somebody else when I barely give a s*** my damn self? Ahhhhh, people, people, people!  I’m going to live on MARS!

image- Alex Bellink


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