I Became An Escort, Found A Lover, Dumped My Long-Term Boyfriend, Now I’m Torn

After four years in a relationship with a man a year older than me, things became complicated.  We moved in together at the age of 19 and 20, we had little to no money, our relationship was strong, and I was tolerable of it to a point.  He would spend his time working and sitting on the Xbox, and at times he would snap at me in the flat over minor things and this was hard.  The money problems became so bad that I started escorting, and the money from this was good.  It kept us afloat and for a short period and we were happy people again.

I kept escorting for around 5 months, and in this time I had met someone else due to escorting.  I was desperate to end it with my current partner, so I did.  But this was very difficult.  He would tell me he was going to commit suicide if I broke up with him.  He was constantly crying and upset.  He was still living with me when I was seeing this new guy, and he knew what was going on.  I found it difficult to find the strength inside me to push him away.  I didn’t really know what to do.  Eventually, he moved away, back to his mum’s house, and we would and still do text on a regular basis.  My mum was gutted.  She told me constantly that she loved him like a son and this made mine and her relationship very testing.

After ending it with my ex-partner, I spent a lot of time at my new partner’s place, although this wasn’t all plain sailing, and at times I wished I was at home with my ex.  After me going to his a lot (when I wasn’t working most of my time would be spent there), he told me he had to travel with work to India, then to Edinburgh, and then he was going to Devon to see his family.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have no problem with a man traveling.  It all just seemed a bit much for me, and still does, as I have always been quite the insecure person, and have needed constant love and attention.  I am still in this situation.  I am still texting my ex and calling him whilst my current partner is working.  I am still angry and overwhelmed by the thought of him leaving me in this dismal place whilst he works away.  And I have no idea what to do.

image- Ian Livesey