You’re sad that I haven’t spoken to you since the funeral. You’re concerned that I’m so sad and that I don’t want to be around you anymore. You’re upset that I’m not grieving with you and comforting you. I’m so f**king sorry that my heart is shattered in a million pieces, and that I’m not the happy-go-lucky person you’ve grown accustomed to.
If you are at peace and feeling like your life is getting back to normal, then more power to you. And if that’s the case, I pray that you have this sense of comfort for the rest of your lifetime. I’m sorry if my timeline is not coinciding with yours, but I’m still trying to figure out my new normal. IT’S ONLY BEEN BARELY A MONTH SINCE I’VE HAD TO LAY MY DADDY TO REST. PLEASE give me time and space to grieve without having to think that I’m hurting you in the process.
I know you’re sad and hurting too, and I don’t take your love, prayers, and hurt for my dad for granted. But he was MY DAD. You have no idea what this pain feels like unless you’ve lost a parent. This is a new profound feeling that I’m working out. I guess I just need this silly thing called “time” to clear my mind of this dense fog. If you go through major surgery, more than likely your body won’t heal in just a month or so. Just think of it as if I have a lifetime of major surgeries (memories of my dad) that I have to take time to heal from. I truly don’t think I’ll ever heal from this great loss, but I do think I’ll be able to learn a new normal. I’ll eventually come to a point where the tears slow down enough for the sun to shine again. But this will take time.
I ONLY talk to my mom because she’s hurting more than I am, and it is now my responsibility to take care of her. I only talk to my kids because I have to be “strong” for the both of them and keep some “normalcy” in their lives. And I only talk to my husband because he allows me to cry, scream, and be f**king upset. He allows me to be what I can’t be in front of my kids or my mom. So if you love me, please understand that I just need time. When I feel even a tad bit better, you’ll be the first to know. Cause I love you like cooked food…
Love ALWAYS AND FOREVER,