I feel worthless and wish I had the guts to end my life. But I have three amazing children and a boyfriend that would die without me. I have several mild/moderate mental illnesses and I can’t hold a job. I’ve never been able to. So I feel like the biggest loser ever! I’m a good person inside and I try to love with all my heart and soul. I’m an abuse victim since birth. I had a stepfather when I was born who beat me and threw me across the room as an infant until I was a toddler. Then another stepfather sexually abused my sister and I for three years. I was about 8 when that ended, but it’s never left me. I’ve gone to dozens of counselors and tried different meds and therapy, but nothing helps. The med side effects are worse than my issues, so it’s a losing battle.
My boyfriend is the most amazing man I’ve ever known in my life. We fall more in love every day, and it’s been 2 1/2 years now. I don’t feel like I deserve him. He doesn’t mind supporting me financially. In fact he took on a second job to support me so I could attempt college again, but it’s not working as I can’t focus/concentrate. It’s a vicious cycle. He works himself to death to help me, but occasionally comments about me getting a job. Not in a rude way at all. In fact I think he honestly believes it would help me to get out of the house, but I take it personally and break down every time. I have nothing to offer. I don’t cook every night, although I’m a damn good cook. I keep the house mostly clean all the time, but I just lack ambition and energy to the point where I wish I could just fall off the face of the earth.
I’m so tired of people telling me to just get a job. OMFG, if it was that simple to solve all my problems I’d be doing that!! Like most everyone else in this country!! But it pisses me off that people believe in Cancer and AIDS and Diabetes and Autism, but they refuse to believe in mental disease. It’s ridiculous. I can’t help the way I was born, and I just want to be left alone to do what I do and that’s it. I’m tired of everyone judging and making me feel worthless. I’m sorry world, I’m not perfect. Not even close.