I’m in love. Not with my partner. But with my friend. My married coworker friend. Who’s having an affair already. We play games, we flirt, we talk, and we laugh. This has been going on for over a year. We’ve now slept together, which we put down to a drunken mistake. I’ve since blurted out my feelings and told him what I want. Apparently I’ve got it all wrong and he doesn’t see it the same way. All those conversations, the texting, the stolen glances, the rip my clothes off eye contact. My heart caught on fire, and apparently it’s all in my head.
I’m ashamed, embarrassed, and disgusted at myself for falling for someone like him. He’s the first thought of my waking, he’s in my mind all day, he’s my last thought at night, and then he haunts my dreams. I thought he was perfect and so I loved him. Then I found out he wasn’t, and I loved him a little more! I want to stop. I want to stop loving him. I want to love myself more and love my partner once again. I want to so much, but I can’t. I must be a masochist. This unrequited love is the worst feeling in the world. The build up to it….exquisite…I hate it. I love him! Arrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!