I’m Lonely And In Love With All The Wrong Things

I’m lonely.  My life has always been this lonely place I wanted to leave, yet I find so many things in myself that won’t allow me to give in.  I’ve yearned for the type of love I see my friends have.  My family is the root to this loneliness.  They’ve never made me feel loved!!  During the holidays I rarely received gifts, birthdays come and go quickly, but lastly, I’ve never been shown that affectionate love.  It’s been tough these last 28 years.  Everyone that does love me, I push them away, or they push me away with their overwhelming affection.  I’m just not used to it, and frankly I’m starting to believe I don’t even know how to love.  I have the feelings, all sorts of feelings, but have no input for them.  I need love, I need affection, I need structure, I need to smile more often, I need to stop sleeping with other women’s men, husbands, arrangements, etc.  I’m in love with all the wrong things, or at least that’s how I feel.  I allow men to use me, and I submit to them willingly.  I’m lost. I’m love. GN.

image- bastique