I’m lonely. My life has always been this lonely place I wanted to leave, yet I find so many things in myself that won’t allow me to give in. I’ve yearned for the type of love I see my friends have. My family is the root to this loneliness. They’ve never made me feel loved!! During the holidays I rarely received gifts, birthdays come and go quickly, but lastly, I’ve never been shown that affectionate love. It’s been tough these last 28 years. Everyone that does love me, I push them away, or they push me away with their overwhelming affection. I’m just not used to it, and frankly I’m starting to believe I don’t even know how to love. I have the feelings, all sorts of feelings, but have no input for them. I need love, I need affection, I need structure, I need to smile more often, I need to stop sleeping with other women’s men, husbands, arrangements, etc. I’m in love with all the wrong things, or at least that’s how I feel. I allow men to use me, and I submit to them willingly. I’m lost. I’m love. GN.