Every time I start feeling normal again and in control of my life, sh+t happens. I’m angry because no amount of effort to do better, be a better person, or take care of my family like an adult, stops the doctor’s visits. I need answers, not medications. I feel so worthless and I know he resents me. This roid rage from the medication the doctors have me on is making things worse. Word of advice: Don’t get sick, and don’t let anyone know, because it’s a sh+t pile of bills and intolerance. People pretend to be sympathetic, but the truth is, they’ll avoid you like the plague. Everyone leaves. Those left standing start to hate you for things you can’t control. It makes me so angry that I have no idea what is causing my brain to attack itself. Doctors are baffled. Why can’t you just love me and hold my hand? We don’t need to pretend that everything will be fine. I just need a bit of compassion. If it’s what we fear, the insurance will cover my death. But to hold the inconceivable uncontrollable future against me while the bills pile up doesn’t make life any more bearable.