I’ve Never Ever-Ever-Ever Been With Someone Who Loves Me The Way I Love Them.

I met him in early 2012 online. At the time, my ex and I were in an open relationship (as me and my now bf are); but we hit it off, and immediately clicked.

I will not go into super detail, except to say that my eyes were opened about how my ex was treating me, versus how he showed me I should be treated. I realized just how bad and horrible my ex was. My now bf had recently had his heart and soul ripped out of him by his ex fiancé. She cheated on him, chewed him up, and spit him out.

It wasn’t long before I knew I was in love with him. I held out on discussing it with him for a few months, then one night while we were hanging out, I blurted it out. He said he cared for me. He said he would never love anyone again the way he loved her. We openly discussed that he never again would want to consider marriage, and that he would never be able to fall in love with anyone again. However, even knowing this, I could not deny how I felt. Instead of running from it, I embraced it. I accepted, and still do accept, the truths he told me.

Yes, it gets frustrating sometimes. And yes, I know that he will always be in love with her, and he will never be in love with me. We’ve saved each other’s lives (literally) a couple different times, and we have a bond beyond what anyone will understand. He has continued to state over the last few years of us being together that I am “not the one.” We moved in together last year. We take care of each other. He does not find me physically attractive, and has made that VERY known to me several times. He finds me to be too fat.

Now I know you may be asking, “How can you put up with that?” Why on earth would you stay with someone who will not ever really love you? Yes, I know that, and I can agree with that. I have never ever-ever-ever been with someone who has loved me as much or been as passionate for me as I am for them. I do not know what it is like to be with someone who finds you extremely physically attractive, or someone who compliments you regularly. However, the man I am with now, despite all this, is still an amazing man, and an amazing human being. He deserves all the happiness in the world, even if that means not being with me.

I guess I wanted to express this because it seems that I still feel I am trying to prove to him that he could love me if he opened himself up to it. That he could fall in love again if he could let go of her and the past. I guess part of me, even if it is crazy, still hopes that one day he will realize that he has been in love with me all along, and expresses deep feelings for me he never realized he had. I know that I should maybe let that go and face reality, but I am, at the end of the day, a hopeless romantic. I’m someone who believes not only in open relationships, but who also believes that at least once in a lifetime, it is possible to experience soul crushing, passionate, amazing love. That love where you have to refrain from touching each other in public. That love that makes you want to do things for them every day just because. I have that love for my man right now, but sadly, it is not returned.

image- david_shankbone