I’m at work and I’m afraid if I start venting too much I might start crying. I do that a lot. I cry very often, probably more often than a lot of people, or maybe just as often as most people. I’m in a weird place in life. I have everything I need, but I’m not happy, and I’m very lonely. I just realized not too long ago that I’m an extremely selfish person and that I tend to push people away. Or push situations away. I’m trying to fix those issues, but sometimes I feel like it might be too little too late. I used to have a lot of friends. Some weren’t real, but others were more real than this world, than the keyboard I’m typing on.
But boyfriends; that’s what usually caused me to lose friends. It almost lost me my greatest friend, but by the time I finally got her back, she was already down a dark path. She overdosed on heroin and died…she died…my best friend for seven years…is gone…forever. I saw her in my dreams once, but honestly I wish it were every night. Sometimes I wish that I was with her, because I know wherever she is, it’s a lot better than being here. I have a great person in my life though, that I would call my friend. He’s very special to me and I hope that one day he can forgive me for being a s****y person. But I’m just glad he is still sticking around. I wouldn’t mind having kids with him. He has lovely eyes.