I never thought we would turn out like this. Both of us leading separate lives and betraying our heart’s desire. A history filled with sidelong glances and passion that could not be duplicated, but for all that; we came down to what we are today. Broken. We seem happy in our lives and in our lies. Yet, I am not.
The twists and turns our lives have made these past 10+ years have only led to each other three times, all times ending in you leaving. The one that counted was the one I bare responsibility for, and still my actions belie my heart. The experiences of my life prevented my stubborn mind from truly understanding and becoming an adult. And of all the things that I have done wrong, you are the one that hurts the deepest. The one that makes me have regret. “I should have been…,” is what I say to myself regularly.
I know that I cannot bare the full weight of this alone. You sit over there as if you have not created a foulness against me. Even in the face of truth, you still could not. That made me realize that I do not know you. I knew of you what you wanted me to know. Worlds carefully manipulated so that paths would not cross, and untruths would not be discovered. The travesties you cried to me about my actions hurting you, all the while you were never being truthful. Never saying what you were thinking. Never really sharing yourself with me at all. Yet putting yourself up on a pedestal when you did the same thing. But how dare I make a mistake? Not willing to shoulder any of the responsibility. Why would I be any different from anyone before me? I was a fool to think I would be. Even after all of this, all of your sermons on how much you love me, you are still the one acting like a child and trying to control a situation instead of swallowing your pride. Yet here I am….venting to you with emotions that you will not listen to.