First, you were a great guy. Then you grew into a man who was capable of so much, yet only allowed himself to drink too much, use insane amounts of drugs, and sink into a bipolar depression funk. Instead of benefiting from all the rehab time you put in, you chose to use even more often. And instead of staying single, you allowed me to come back into your life, undercover as a good man who claimed to love me like no other. You got me pregnant, agreed to be a family, yet you never had any real intention of trying to be a good father or husband!
For almost seven years you pretended to be so many different things, all along planning to emotionally destroy me. When our son was 3, the so-called happy days were over, and you chose to try to engage me in your sick perverted sexual fantasies. No matter how I refused and tried to bring back the man I thought you were, you persisted. I’m so glad I never gave in to your perversions. Yet ultimately you won, by making me find your hanged body after calling me to pick you up drunk.
You destroyed my youth and blamed me for your issues, all the while cheating on me and lying to me! F//k you and f//k your memory for all you left on me. I hate you, but I’ll always love who you should have really been, the man you pretended to be. I’ll never forgive you for the pain and suffering you will always cause our son. I’ll never forgive you for the things you told me that I can’t unknow. I can’t believe men like you truly exist. But I’m glad you don’t anymore.
I was destroyed when you killed yourself, yet I’m often glad you’re gone. Even though you’re not here for us, we will persevere. We have every chance to be everything you never will! Your son will never be like you, and because of the choices you made, I get to make all the choices that affect him! I hope you writhe in agony wherever you are, every time I touch another man in ecstasy! Believe me, I never think of you instead of them!
image: Anja Pietsch