I Wish I Had A Dad So Bad. Unless My Mom Remarries, I’ll Have No One To Walk Me Down The Aisle. I Want To Die.

Tonight I am crying myself to sleep because of a video about a kid’s dad who was supposed to go on a trip with him but left.  My dad did that a lot too. Why can’t I tell anyone about my dad? I envision my peers asking, “What’d your dad say?” And I envision myself responding with, “LOL, he didn’t respond.” However, inside my head, I’m like, “He died…” 

I wish my mom remarried someone so I don’t have to worry anymore about having to lie about having a dad. I wish I had a dad so bad. Seeing my cousins have dads that are still here is slowly killing me inside. I always care about anyone who shows up in my life but I never show it. I care so much, but if they ever get out of my life, I get so worked up. I try and try to forget and avoid them until I’m finally able to do so, and then I totally stop talking to them.

TBH, I wish she never married him. I’ve never actually written this out, but I have a genetic condition passed down from him that causes tumors. Luckily I don’t have tumors, but I do have spots on some parts of my body. Maybe if he weren’t my father I would have clear skin. You don’t understand how self-conscious I am. Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie to my friends so they won’t pity me if she remarried. Like, she buys me clothes and everything, but I wish she wouldn’t say some stuff because I actually remember people’s words. I wish my mom would talk about my father and her love life with me. I want her to marry someone. To be honest, sometimes I just wanna put my covers over my head and suffocate myself. I wish. You don’t understand!

Dad, please find mom another man. I need to feel OK. I really want clear skin. I wanna wear a bathing suit without feeling self-conscious. I wanna wear a crop top without a tank top. I don’t want to have to think about bleaching my spots. I don’t want a man to reject me because of them. I don’t want my kids to feel like me so I don’t want kids. I need to feel loved. Why does mom yell so much? Why am I so scared? I miss you dad. Do you miss me? I’m sorry, but I wish you could have been healthier. Please make my life better. Why do I have to be here? I wish I was someone else. I’m not gonna have anyone to walk me down the aisle. That’s if I even find a guy that likes me. This was really hard to write.

image: Joshua Ganderson

[Help is available if you’re feeling suicidal: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255]