I’m tired.
I’m tired of being used by my parents financially just because they didn’t make something of themselves.
I’m tired of getting heartbroken.
I’m tired of always picking myself up when I don’t want to continue anymore.
I’m tired of having the heart to always love but not receiving the love back.
I’m tired of always putting on a smile when I’m not in any way happy.
I’m tired of offering a hug when I’m never offered one.
I’m tired of hearing, “You’re young, you can’t be tired.”
I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to continue.
What’s the point?
I’ve tried for 26 years. Why do I have to keep going?
All my hopes and dreams of actually having a solid family aren’t going to happen.
Why? Why should I continue?
I know it’s not all unicorn farts and rainbows, but I hate this loneliness I’ve always had inside and hidden.
There’s no point.

I’m tired of people minimizing my problems. If I tell them I don’t like my job, they say, “Just get a new one.” If I tell them my sister is controlling, they say, “Just don’t listen to her.” When I gained a ton of weight, they said, “Just drink a ton of water and hardly eat.” When I harmed myself once, they told me that it was just a phase. If I admit that I feel like I don’t have a purpose, they say, “Oh, just create yourself a purpose!” The list could go on and on and on. I try so hard to not become insensitive, but damn, it is really the biggest f–king struggle when everyone minimizes your problems like they’re absolutely nothing. It’s absolutely no help whatsoever to just make a problem seem like it’s not a big problem when it is!

I’m A Depressed And Socially Anxious Hot Mess. Oh Dear. Sigh.

Dear Beautiful People,

Within the first hours of daylight, I’ve seen that you’re graduating, getting married, going on vacations, and traveling the world. I see you through your perfect pictures with inspirational quotes and giddy posts about how blessed you are. You have the perfect home and the perfect partner who surprised you with a puppy simply because it’s Tuesday. And you got hired for your dream career. All of this has happened to you while I’ve barely managed to swing my legs off my bed and have a cup of coffee. I didn’t get to see your struggle to see if you were like me. You know, sometimes crying and drinking simultaneously when you really need company but the world is intangible. Continue reading

I don’t see how you think that watching your brother-in-arms die on his deathbed is funny. He served our country and died for it, and you just turn your head. But that’s not the worst part. No, you go and dump me right outside the hospital room as he passes. What selfish person does that to a man? Loses his closest friend and then dumps him on the spot? I hope that one day you will be in the same spot that he was in. And that you’ll have to watch you friend’s boyfriend laugh as you fade away. Then you will know true pain.

I’m Always There For Everyone Else, But I Can NEVER Get The Same In Return.

Why is it that I’m always there when someone needs me? I am a very strong person, and I am very good at hiding my emotions, but at some point, things become too much for me to handle and I break down. I almost lost the love of my life to depression. When I finally broke down from being strong for him, and helping him get better, and saw that there was hope, no one was there.

I was told things like, “If he killed himself, you’d be over it in a week,” and, “No, he wasn’t serious.” When you are begging someone you love not to take their life in the middle of the night, I’d consider that to be pretty damn serious. No one took my feelings seriously. That entire time I suffered and I even considered ending my own life due to all the pain that I was in. It was excruciating and I felt so alone. Continue reading

You Told Dad On His Deathbed, “I Was Hospitalized Too You Know.” Burn B*t*h.

Do you remember what you said when dad was on his deathbed? You said, “I was hospitalized too you know.” Well, I don’t f**king care! Sure you got some mental illness, but that doesn’t make you disabled or anything.

Dad didn’t get proper medication for his cancer because of you. He said, “Who’s going to take care of my daughters if I’m not home?” Well, if you had just stepped up and been a mother instead of a whiny b*t*h, he wouldn’t have died! You don’t even shed a tear for everything he’s done for you.

Now you’re burdening your old parents. They gave you everything that you don’t even deserve; yet you still yell and whine at them. I’m sick of being your mother, when you should’ve been that for me and my sister.

image: Jess Pohlman

Farewell My Dear Friend. We’ve Simply Grown Too Far Apart. But I Wish You Well!

Dear Friend:

Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye. The words to that song aren’t just for a romantic couple. You and I are platonic friends, and it seems clear that we have grown apart. We don’t talk the way we used to. When we do talk, the conversation seems forced, trite, and a bit superficial. Even your texts to me aren’t the same. They lack the warmth that they once had. Friends grow apart all the time, but I never thought it would happen to us.

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You Cheated On Me While I Was Pregnant W/ Our Child. Yet I Still Love You. SMH.

I loved you so much. We got married and I expected that things would only get better. After all, we had a baby on the way. Then you started getting angrier than usual and you became more withdrawn. I was worried and tried to talk to you, but you insisted that you were fine. If you ever divulged anything during this time it was because I pried it out of you. It made me so sad. Then that girl came into the picture. You seemed better, but at a cost. She was all you wanted to talk about. You told me about her life and her shitty boyfriend. If it had to do with her, you were telling me about it.

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Who Protected You Black Lives Matter People In Dallas Last Night? Oh Ok.

You’re all talking about this police brutality thing. But in reality, you’re all to blame for this. The NYPD risks their lives daily to protect us. But you’re throwing it in their face. Nobody, not any cop, just started shooting blacks out of nowhere. No. You guys gave them a reason to. You guys gave them a reason to fear for their own lives.

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Would Cops Arrest And Kill Blacks If They Weren’t Doing Bad Things? Ugh No.

I can completely see how frustrating it is that there seems to be unnecessary police brutality towards black people. But you also need to look at it this way: Would the police arrest them and even go as far as killing them if they weren’t doing something bad? It tends to be black people who are doing a lot of murders and who are involved in gangs and gang violence. Don’t always assume that the police are just randomly attacking black people because they are black.

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